My father was an Army officer and a strict disciplinarian, but he was a gentle man by nature and never spanked me when he was angry – except once. When I committed a spanking offense such as lying, he might get angry, but would order me to go to my room and wait. By the time he came to administer the punishment, he’d have calmed down, and would hug me soon afterward, to let me know all was forgiven and that he loved me. He did the same with my brother and sister. Spankings were few and far between in the Koob household, and none of us children were ever called “bad” or “stupid.” None of us were ever slapped or beaten.
I’m extremely grateful to have grown up in a loving family, with minimal use of corporal punishment. But I’m also grateful that my father slipped that one time and spanked me, not because of something I’d done, but because he was angry. I still remember the feelings of helplessness and rage that accompanied the physical pain. I’m grateful because my father’s slip gave me a taste of what it’s like to be physically abused, and it heightened my empathy for victims of abuse. In my career as a therapist I would work with many men, women and children who grew up in families where physical and emotional abuse was commonplace. One of the most common “invisible scars” of abuse is residual anger. Sometimes a reservoir of accumulated rage erupts as angry or destructive acting-out; sometimes the rage is repressed, and manifests as depression.
People who have temper problems usually came by them honestly. If some – or many – of the adult role models in a child’s social environment are physically and/or verbally violent, violence can become normalized. Violence is a sad legacy in some families, passed on from generation to generation. But it only takes one generation to break the chain of family violence, and I’ve been privileged to work with parents who were determined not to do to their children what was done to them by their own parents.
I’ve taught anger management to many parents who were ordered into counseling by family courts, as well as people who entered counseling voluntarily because they had anger issues to deal with. I’ve also taught anger management to groups of cops, parents, teachers, and Marine Corps drill sergeants. I started my group presentations by talking about the origins of anger control problems, the importance of parents role-modeling the non-violent resolution of conflicts, and my guidelines for spanking.
It is sometimes possible to raise a child well, without using physical pain as a teaching tool. But if a parent finds it necessary to use corporal punishment, it should be the punishment-of-the-last-resort. If you have to spank a child frequently, it’s not working; find out what does. Finally, never inflict pain on your child when you’re angry. All you will teach him or her is to role-model that it’s okay to hit when you’re angry. After a calmly-administered spanking, make sure the child understands why you felt the need to spank in this instance, and express your love, verbally or with a hug. If you slip, like my father did, you owe the child an apology.
Learning anger management doesn’t mean you won’t get angry anymore. Everybody gets angry sometimes- except maybe the Dalai Lama. My definition of practicing anger management is that you can still make good decisions, no matter how angry you are. You don’t do or say things you’ll regret later. As with stress management, the first step in learning to manage your anger is a self-assessment. Knowing the “why” of your anger problem isn’t as important as knowing the “whats.”
How does your anger typically manifest? Aggression, passive-aggression? Physical harm to self or others? Verbal aggression? How does your anger management problem affect your life? What are the predictable triggers for your anger reactions? What are your cues? (Physical signs that you’re angry, such as a rapid heartbeat or a flushed face.) Once you’ve completed your assessment, you’re ready to try out whatever physical and mental anger management techniques you think might help you to change your behavior.
Physical anger management. If one of your cues for anger is rapid breathing, you can learn breath control. If muscle tension is a cue, you can learn to relax the muscles you typically tense when you’re angry. The key is becoming mindful of your triggers and cues. You can learn to physicalize your anger in a non-threatening and non-destructive manner, jogging, or doing pushups, or working out on a punching bag. If you can walk away from the situation that triggered you, you might be able to regain your cool quickly. Other factors in physical anger management are adequate sleep and good nutrition.
Mental anger management. I’ve already written several posts about rational thinking, and think it’s the key to mental anger management. If I give situations and other people the power to “make me mad,” I’ve placed the locus of control outside of myself; I blame externals for my anger and for my behavior when I’m angry. If my locus of control is internal, I understand that I generate and sustain my own anger in response to things that happen (or don’t happen) in my life, and can control my behavior no matter how angry I am. If I know that someone is trying to trigger me, I can deny him the satisfaction. People who don’t rise to the bait can’t be hooked.
I’ve had the advantage of going through a “plebe system” at The Citadel – a military academy – which is like nine months of boot camp in the armed forces. I’ve had the experience, multiple times, of having an upperclassman scream in my face, or make me do pushups until I collapsed in a pool of sweat. Although I wanted to punch some of my antagonists, or curse them and walk away, I had to remind myself that this wasn’t personal. If I wanted to graduate from The Citadel, it was something I had to endure for my freshman year. I now see that, like boot camp, it was a stress inoculation, and a preparation for combat.
Anger is a universal experience, and isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s fully justified in some situations, and may even help us to survive, as with a soldier in combat. Practicing anger management means knowing that you’re in control, even when angry.